I have been hiding from mySelf for most of my life. Keeping the truth of who I am hidden in the darkness. As a vulnerable child, I hid because hiding my expression of Self meant safety and protection. I constructed a protective veil around mySelf that was truly a sign of intelligence. The enormous nature of the God force that I am was the best-kept secret.
I hid peacefully in my intellectually constructed closet of being. Hiding meant keeping silent. Hiding meant being invisible. Hiding meant being a quiet and obedient child. Hiding meant being a conscientious and agreeable student. Hiding meant never voicing my true opinions. Hiding meant going along with what others wanted. Hiding meant never knowing nor having anything that I wanted. Hiding meant never knowing the truth of who I am.
Years of believing the externally referenced lies that were fed to me. How could "I" possibly become the huge expansive force of energy that was the incredible expression of my being? Angry and fear based verbal messages (such as just who do you think you are; you’ll shut up and listen if you know what is good for you; you better do as you are told; you are a nothing and you will never be anything) were wired repeatedly into the physical fabric of my being. These conditioned beliefs did an amazing job of keeping me small and puny and obedient confined in the safety of my self-created box. These long forgotten language patterns became instilled into the vibrational state of my being. Hidden out of my awareness yet continuing to shape the ongoing life that I was living.
In all of it, I now see that I was never a victim of my circumstances. I was always the creator. What if breaking free of these self-created, externally authorized constraints became the path to realizing the inner authority truth about mySelf? What if everything that happens in our lives really is unfolding exactly as it should to lead us on the evolutionary journey that we are to engage in so that we can discover who we truly are?
A safe space within was created to protect the core of my being … this safe space invited and allowed me to develop the potential of who I am … this safe space now enables others, enfolded within my presence, to develop their own potential. How intelligent is that … the God force that I am rules!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Staying Awake along the Intended Path
Today, for some reason, I was pulled back to reread the following which I had written a short time ago.
Remember doing one of those children’s puzzle mazes - you know the ones - where you draw the path from where you are as the mouse through to the end destination of reaching the cheese? How many times did you hit the wall before you discovered the path leading to the end?
One day, not so long ago, I was in the mall and having completed my shopping, I had traveled up the escalator in the middle of the mall and began to walk down to Sears at the far end. I wanted to get back to my car which was parked just outside of Sears. Once inside Sears, I wandered around, repeatedly circling the store, trying to find the desired exit door to the parking lot. For some reason, I could not find the way out. At that moment, I wished that my husband were with me because he is usually my navigator for finding my way in such situations.
Just as I was ready to aimlessly circle the store one last time around, I checked in with mySelf and I suddenly woke up to an inner realization. I made my way back to the mall exit, turned to check out the store sign and sure enough … I was in The Bay and not Sears (if I was not so utterly aggravated at the time, yes, it would have been laughable). As I made my way down to the other end of the mall and into Sears, things suddenly felt comfortable again … the sales women who had waited on me, the store layout and the parking lot exit were instantly recognizable. A feeling of relief washed over me as I realized that I had found the path to reaching my car.
I wondered how I could have been so blind or mindless on the way to and in the Bay store. I asked myself why I had not realized this sooner. I saw the HBC rewards sign and interpreted it as Sears rewards. I knew that there should be a door over there but explained it away as it not being as I had remembered it. Because I believed that where I was at the time was indeed the intended place, I systematically ignored, filtered out or misinterpreted all of the signposts that would have told me (had I been open to paying attention) that I was not even close to my desired destination. And, I failed to listen sooner to the inner building of the frustration in my body and the quiet inner voice telling me that this was not the direction to be going. What a potent reminder of what happens when we are living a life moment in the comatose state. No wonder we are not happy with where we are in our lives!
I immediately got curious about how this was a metaphor for my life. What other paths might I be taking in my life, paths that I truly believe are moving me in the intended direction, albeit mindlessly, and, although I am ending up in a place that appears to be where I want to be; however, my body is telling me that this just is not so? Where else in my life am I feeling restless and frustrated because the exit doorway to get to my desired destination does not seem to exist and yet here I am circling around seemingly unaware of this? Where else have I reached the wall in the maze and cannot seem to get beyond it? Am I wandering around and around like a caged animal hoping that the environment magically changes so that I can reach where I want to be OR do I finally pay attention, listen to my body messages and inner voice, wake up and realize that I have mindlessly ended up in the wrong place? Now mindful ... what choices will lead me back onto the desired life path?
Hmm, given that I have been pulled back to this previous discovery ... what do I pay attention to now in my life that is part of this awakening process?
Remember doing one of those children’s puzzle mazes - you know the ones - where you draw the path from where you are as the mouse through to the end destination of reaching the cheese? How many times did you hit the wall before you discovered the path leading to the end?
One day, not so long ago, I was in the mall and having completed my shopping, I had traveled up the escalator in the middle of the mall and began to walk down to Sears at the far end. I wanted to get back to my car which was parked just outside of Sears. Once inside Sears, I wandered around, repeatedly circling the store, trying to find the desired exit door to the parking lot. For some reason, I could not find the way out. At that moment, I wished that my husband were with me because he is usually my navigator for finding my way in such situations.
Just as I was ready to aimlessly circle the store one last time around, I checked in with mySelf and I suddenly woke up to an inner realization. I made my way back to the mall exit, turned to check out the store sign and sure enough … I was in The Bay and not Sears (if I was not so utterly aggravated at the time, yes, it would have been laughable). As I made my way down to the other end of the mall and into Sears, things suddenly felt comfortable again … the sales women who had waited on me, the store layout and the parking lot exit were instantly recognizable. A feeling of relief washed over me as I realized that I had found the path to reaching my car.
I wondered how I could have been so blind or mindless on the way to and in the Bay store. I asked myself why I had not realized this sooner. I saw the HBC rewards sign and interpreted it as Sears rewards. I knew that there should be a door over there but explained it away as it not being as I had remembered it. Because I believed that where I was at the time was indeed the intended place, I systematically ignored, filtered out or misinterpreted all of the signposts that would have told me (had I been open to paying attention) that I was not even close to my desired destination. And, I failed to listen sooner to the inner building of the frustration in my body and the quiet inner voice telling me that this was not the direction to be going. What a potent reminder of what happens when we are living a life moment in the comatose state. No wonder we are not happy with where we are in our lives!
I immediately got curious about how this was a metaphor for my life. What other paths might I be taking in my life, paths that I truly believe are moving me in the intended direction, albeit mindlessly, and, although I am ending up in a place that appears to be where I want to be; however, my body is telling me that this just is not so? Where else in my life am I feeling restless and frustrated because the exit doorway to get to my desired destination does not seem to exist and yet here I am circling around seemingly unaware of this? Where else have I reached the wall in the maze and cannot seem to get beyond it? Am I wandering around and around like a caged animal hoping that the environment magically changes so that I can reach where I want to be OR do I finally pay attention, listen to my body messages and inner voice, wake up and realize that I have mindlessly ended up in the wrong place? Now mindful ... what choices will lead me back onto the desired life path?
Hmm, given that I have been pulled back to this previous discovery ... what do I pay attention to now in my life that is part of this awakening process?
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
What's Standing in My Way?
I have been reflecting on my life lately … where it is going, who I want to become and what is important and meaningful for me to experience in order to move forward in the direction that I want to go in my life.
While pondering this, a number of thought bubbles popped into my mind – perhaps, the timing just was not quite right especially with your already busy work schedule, how dare you take time for yourself while others were already counting on you to be there for them, how irresponsible of you, would it not be easier just to put this off this until you had some vacation time, can you really afford not just the time but the money to do this – bubbles that had a eerie familiarity about them.
I began to realize that there have been numerous times in the past when I have sat back waiting for all of the conditions to be right … for events to finally fall into place … so that I could fit in the things that would enable my life to move forward in a new direction and so that it would ease the conditioned guilt felt in doing so. These seemingly rationale reasons always seemed to justify why it just was not the "right" time to do so. No wonder life stays the same. Past personal history moves forward into the present as the same choices are made over and over again. There is no such thing as the "right" time. The only time is the "chosen" time when I decide to make something new happen in my life.
I pictured all of these responses that were frequently put in my way and then it hit me. The reflection that I was seeing in my holographic mirror was a view of all of these blocks and (could it really be?) holding on to every one of them was "me". Incredible! The only thing standing between me and the life that I wanted to create was ME! Indeed, "I" was putting all of these conditions in my way. Come on … how could that be? Don’t such things just pop up in our lives or do we actually put them there? Aren’t there times that we are totally unwilling victims or are we always powerful creators? Are we at cause or are we at effect in our lives?
I know that in a holographic universe, the world "out there" is really only a reflection of my world within. Therefore, if I am the creator of my world, then, you guessed it, I am creating ALL of it! Yes, I am creating my world and, then, experiencing each and every moment of it. That includes the roadblocks, barriers, and stuck feelings as well as the easy and effortless times.
If so, then, what is the intelligence behind my creating these conditions? Am I not ready for the changes that will occur? Is it all too overwhelming to think that I could actually have what I wanted if only I would just get out of my way? Was I succumbing to my usual culturally conditioned responses and beliefs? Getting curious is a way for me to become more conscious of what is going on … about the truth behind this intelligent response.
If the blocks are in my life, it is because I have created those blocks. If something is standing in my way, it is because I have placed it there. My life is a holographic universe reflecting back my moment to moment creative power. All is there for me to learn, for me to evolve, for me to become who I was incarnated to become in this lifetime.
My life is the sum total of all of the choices that I make moment to moment. If, in this moment, I do not make the choice that moves me forward in the direction towards the life that I want then I am making the choice to continue to have the life that I have. Because we are creators as human beings, there is no such thing as never creating. I am always in the process of keeping what I have by repetitively creating the same life that I already have or I am developing something new by making new and different life choices. Do I want to remain who I am or do I want to become who I want to become? This choice is always mine. There is actually tremendous power in knowing this.
So, here’s to becoming more and more conscious on a daily basis in my life. In this way, I can make the choices that will move my life forward in each and every moment. Here’s to not being held back by the illusions that I create, illusions that have previously held me back from having the life that I want. And, in this holographic universe, here’s to those of you who also resonant to this and who can begin to create the same movement in your life!
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